Five Words a Child Needs to Hear
There are times in life where we all need some support. When things feel out of kilter or we have problems and worries that are weighing heavily on our mind. When faced with such challenges one of the first places that we often turn to is our friends. Sharing our thoughts and worries with someone that we know and trust can be an immensely healing and a cathartic experience.
For our children this situation is a bit different. Whilst they may chat to friends about various dramas that are happening within their friendship groups, they are much less likely to talk about the real deep worries and fears that they are having. Learning to express yourself emotionally can be hard for even the most mature of adults so, for a young child it can sometimes seem impossible to get the turmoil of troubles that they are experiencing out of their head and formed into words.
As a starting place this is really important to recognise in itself but what can we actually do to help our children when they are feeling anxious and overwhelmed ? I find one of the best places to start when wondering how to help someone is to flip the situation around and look at it from a different angle.
I want you to begin by imagining a time when you have had challenges in your life. You’ve felt weighed down with the thoughts in your head and you’ve just needed a friend to talk them through with. You make a call, meet for coffee and explain what is going on in your world. It takes a bit of time to express yourself because these thoughts have been building up for a while and to be perfectly honest, you’re a bit worried that your friend may think that you are being silly and that it’s not actually all that serious.
You’re not used to talking this honestly and the emotions start to overcome you. Before you know it, you are crying.
When you think about this scenario what is it that you need your friend to do in this very moment? Other than pour you a double gin, I would imagine that the majority of you would say that you need them to empathise and support you. You need them to show you that they have heard you, that they feel you and that they are there for you. It is at this point, however, that communications tend to go in one of two directions.
There you are, puffy eyes and feeling vulnerable and exposed. Your friend turns to you and says;
“ Oh, don’t worry, it’ll all be alright. You’ll be absolutely fine. Things will work out. I remember a time when I went through exactly the same thing ………….” From this point on you wipe your eyes and sit, ready to listen to a ten minute dialogue of your friend’s troubles and the time that they experienced something similar and loosely connected to what has just reduced you to tears.
I am pretty confident that the majority of people reading this will be able to relate to this scenario. So, what is it that makes your friend respond in this way ? You know that they are a caring person who definitely wants the best for you. They have proven that time and time again so why can they not sit with you in this moment of difficulty? What is it that makes them want to brush it away and almost change the subject?
The majority of times the reason that people respond like this is an innate human need to “fix” things. Sitting with discomfort isn’t easy for a lot of people and when it’s someone that we care about it makes it even harder. Whilst it’s important to recognise that this type of behaviour isn’t coming from a place of selfishness, it’s even more important to recognise the emotions it creates in you. How this response leaves you feeling is important.
Being aware of how this response makes us feel puts us in a strong position to now flip this around and back to our children. When our children are feeling raw emotion, it hurts us. Sometimes it can be so strong we can experience a real physical ache in our heart. The need to remove this feeling, not only for them but also for us, is overwhelming. It’s at times like this that we run the real risk of becoming just like our well-meaning friend that we met earlier. The need to fix things for our children can end up overriding what our child actually really needs in that moment.
How many times have you been faced with an emotional and crying child and the first words out of your mouth have been
“ It’ll be ok. Don’t worry. It’ll all be fine.”
Such an instinctive and natural response and yet for a child the message that they are hearing is this:
“I knew I was being stupid; it can’t be that bigger deal if a grown up thinks I should be able to get over it that easily.”
“ I’m just going to push these feelings back down”
“ Next time I won’t mention it because they always say it’ll be ok but it doesn’t feel ok inside me.”
”No one understands just how bad I’m feeling”
These are probably all similar feelings that you would have experienced with your friend we mentioned earlier.
The most precious gift that we can give another human being is to hear them and meet them exactly where they are. So, what are the 5 words that kids need to hear ?
“That sounds hard for you”
That’s it. So simple. Not a solution. Not a pacifier. Purely an acknowledgement and validation of their feelings.
The inner fear of doing this is that it will reaffirm their fears and worries rather than fixing them but by meeting them where they are at it actually dilutes and dissipates a lot of what they are experiencing. Sharing and dragging our fears out into the light is the quickest way to begin to understand and move through them. If they are met with, well intentioned, resistance and denial they will quickly go scurrying back into the darkness where they can continue to grow. If met with understanding and compassion they can only begin to lose their power. Bottled fear is toxic. By telling your child that you hear them and you can see they are going through a hard time it gives them permission to explore their feelings further, smash that bottle and release the fears of their power.
Kingdom of your Mind has been written to help children gain ownership and understanding of their thoughts and mind. Kingdom also helps to provide grown ups with a fun and effective point of reference, creating a starting point for powerful and effective conversation about your child’s inner world.